All posts by Alex

Dark Obsessive Thoughts

Dark obsessive thoughts are those which make you feel as a bad person. Even as a horrible person sometimes. A classic example: you see a knife and imagine that you take it and stab someone with it.

When this thought strikes you (like the lightning among the blue sky), you get shocked and scared. “What was that?! What the heck?! Why do I imagine it? Do I want to stab other people? No, no, of course not! But why do I imagine that? I’m so ugly human :(…”

Sounds familiar, right?

On top of that, dark thoughts, especially those, which you get shocked with, those that you’re really afraid of, they become obsessive. Next time you see a knife, the dark thought blasts again! Continue reading Dark Obsessive Thoughts

Jerks will be jerks. No matter what you do

Have you ever tried to win the favor of a  jerk?

Wow, man! Why would I want to win the favor of a jerk in the first place?! — you ask justifiably.

Well, there are some people. You may conclude that s/he is a real douchebag. S/he talks like a douchebag, acts like a douchebag. But it’s just a mask. It’s a shield those people hide their vulnerable personality under. That’s what I mean. These kind of jerks.

So you act benevolently toward them. You sincerely want to be a friend of the person.

But that person stays jerk. Your hopes to make friends are crushed.

You know why? Because jerks are jerks. And the assumption that this guy is just a miserable human being, who was not loved enough by his parents during his childhood, is wrong. lol.

Well, I know a guy. He’s a piece of shit. He’s made of so top-quality shit, that I merely cannot believe it.

As a fool, I was trying to be his friend for quite a long time, hoping to crack his shell, under which I saw that insecure boy.

But the boy was not there. The boy did not exist. There was just more shit under the hood.

Lately I watched ‘Adventure Time with Finn And Jake’ cartoon series and my attention was attracted by the episode called ‘Freak City’. In a nutshell, main heroes encounter a wizard. The wizard asks them if they have any food. They give him a sugar cube, and the former turns one of the heroes in the big foot.

Adventure time. Freak City.

In the end of the episode, they meet again, and the hero concludes that it was his fault of being turned into the foot: he shared a sugar cube awating some reward. They have the following conversation (irrelevant parts are omitted):

Finn: Oh. You were trying to teach us to be kind without expecting anything return. I should’ve given you that sugar cube without even thinking about a reward.
Magic Man: Wrong! <…>
Finn: I wish I’d never been nice to you ’cause you’re just a big jerk!
Magic Man: Oh, yes, that’s it! You’ve finally learned your lesson. [Zaps them with magic that returns them back to normal] And now I’m off spread my teachings to more sissy do-gooders. <…>
Finn: <…> Wait, so, what was the lesson we just learned?
Jake: [shrugs] Maybe it was, don’t give your sugar to jerks.
Don’t be kind with douchebags, because they will stay douchebags no matter what you do. You will just waste your time and will get nothing but disappointment in return.
Picture of Adventure Time episode and transcripts by adventuretime.wikia.com

Good, Bad, Myself

As long as I remember myself, I always tried to be perfect.

When I was 7 years old, it meant:
– hiding my emotions (whenever I was pissed off, I acted like I did not care);
– being a straight A student at school;
– being an obedient child at home.

It was easy. I was really good at it.

I always thought that living like this was my true path. It was essence of my personality.

Then, at around 17, boom! Panic attacks, anxiety, depression.

I was barely coping with university education program. I studied hard, but still it felt like I was so far behind other students.

Even those almost-dropouts made better than me: yes, they had problems with their study, but looked like they did not care. They had rich social life: something I was deprived of.

On the global scope, the pattern I used throughout my childhood, my super-perfect style did not work anymore. I lost my superpower. …And those coward panic attacks, every episode of which I thought I was gonna die…

People told me all the time: relax, take it easy. Rationally, they were right. But I just could not make it.

If I did it, it would meant that I betrayed myself, my very core.

I had to be sure that everything was under control. What if I get distracted? Catastrophe! Boy, my life was already a catastrophe.

But it was MY catastrophe. So familiar and cozy.

Relaxing was not part of me. I considered ‘having fun’ and ‘taking it easy’ to be an escape for the weak people.

But the only weak person in the room was me.

Why I could not allow myself to relax? Why I was afraid to lose control over my stressed out life?

Becase it meant to become bad.

good = perfect

In my mind, I was good only when I was perfect. That was my whole life’s ultimate equation.

I didn’t want to disbalance it. I was afraid to break it.

I didn’t want to become bad. Noone wants to be bad. But I became too bad at being good. And that was the deadend in my life.

Now I am good at being bad.

Still looking for the way to be good at being myself.

COMING OUT as… an Introvert

What does “come out” mean? If you’ve never met this definition before, shortly, it’s an act of revealing someone’s sexual identity publicly.

You probably know cases when some celebrity or famous youtuber admitted publicly, that s/he is gay. That is it. Also, it may be less noticeable, when a member tells to the rest of her/his family about sexual orientation.

Although, I’m a person of traditional sexual tastes, I imagine how difficult (and sometimes, dangerous) coming out may be, and how much courage it takes.

Extrapolating this particular kind of “come out” to a wider specter, obviously, it is never easy to say anything out loud, when that what you’re talking about confronts with conservative views and beliefs.

How is it all connected to introversion? Continue reading COMING OUT as… an Introvert

How To Become An Extrovert When You’re An Introvert

When we have always been an introvert, it is hard to shake the habit. It seems extroverts have plenty of fun though so here is how to become more of an extrovert instead…

Take Yourself Completely Out Of Your Comfort Zone

Introverts tend to stick to what they know. The shyness and lack of confidence and the potential for looking inward means we as introverts often don’t want to try new things in case they fail or mess it up.

Taking the opportunity to do something completely out of our comfort zones removes the potential to be an introvert and often forces us into showing the extrovert in ourselves. Trying out a new hobby that we would never have considered before, maybe even dipping our toes into the world of online dating with sites like iamnaughty giving us the opportunity to be a little cheekier than we normally are – there are so many things out there that we can do that are completely out of our own personal comfort zones.

Some much people much prefer their own company – and that’s okay if that is what you like – but if you’re wanting to become a little more extroverted, you need to put in the effort by trying some brand new things.

Fake It Until You Make It

It may sound silly but some people who seem really extroverted or confident are actually just really good actors and are perhaps even more introverted than you. Some people really struggle with being confident in themselves but can act the big ‘I am’ when in company – simply because they are pretending to play a role. Continue reading How To Become An Extrovert When You’re An Introvert