The Terrible Secret

Are you in your mid-twenties or older and keep the fact that you’re still a virgin as a secret from everyone you know, especially from your close friends?

Do you avoid diligently the conversations, which sometimes are thrown at parties and bars, about the first experiences of participants of the talk, because you are afraid that the fact, that you don’t have any, will be revealed? Are you feeling insecure and trapped at those moments? I guess, you’re regretting, that you took an invitation and came to the party this evening at all, aren’t you? You’re trying to joke desperately, so you didn’t have to tell the truth.

I know what you feel – been there, done that. If you consider your virginity as a defect of your personality as I did, it’s fully understandable that you don’t want to give even a tiny chance to people to make fun of this fact, ‘cause it will only make you feel worse.

Let me ask you a question: what do you think may happen next, if people get to know, that you’re 20-something (or older) and still a virgin?

Here are some possible consequences of the confession, I came up with:

– People will ignore it

People may ignore, what you’ve told them, because they don’t know how react correctly and tactfully to this fact. They are not going to make fun of it. Well, they don’t get it and probably would like to ask you how you’ve got in this strange situation. But at the same time they think of this question as impolite one, so they keep silence.

– People won’t believe it

Alike the people from the previous paragraph, these ones may react quite emotionally. They may show their amazement, asking loudly “How has it happened?” and other questions. But these are kind of rhetorical questions, so you don’t have to answer them actually. They may think that you’re joking, probably because they have never met such a person in their lives before. But take it easy, because their strong reaction to your words is kind of childish wonder. The people simply have encountered something out of ordinary and got excited. That’s all.

– People will make fun of this

People may start coming up with jokes on this fact. Again, it’s not their goal to hurt you somehow. No. If some people keep silence, when encountering something during the conversation they don’t know how to deal with, others may try to decrease the pressure of the moment by joking. So it’s a way to get out of awkward situation, which the conversation got into.

– People will give you a lot of advice

You know, some people are like rescue rangers. They are eager to give an unasked advice to everyone or solve everyone’s problem. They are like help centers. But the difference is that you don’t call them, it’s they, who offer the help in advance. Thus, they may consider your problem as their own, and start looking for ways out of the situation immediately, giving you tons of advice and sharing their life experience with you right at the moment.

– People will humiliate you intentionally

The worst and the most improbable case actually. I’d give less than 1% that it may take place. I believe that people you communicate with are old and adequate enough not to react this way. If they aren’t, it’s better to eliminate them from your life as soon as possible.

And once again let me share my own personal experience with you, so you would have a real life example, how revealing the fact, that I am a virgin in my twenties, played out for me. Though I can’t say that I kept it as a real secret, nevertheless, I didn’t tell it at every corner and definitely avoided any talks regarding this side of my life. OK, here is the story.

Once I and my friend were sitting at a bar, talking about everything and nothing at the same time. The conversation turned to discussion of women related topics. My friend knew that I had problems in this sphere of life. And he was really trying to understand what the reason was. I did my best to switch the topic and, thus, avoid this, awkward for me, conversation. Of course, the reason was that I was afraid that this talk may end up with the reveal of my secret of still being a virgin. However, I didn’t succeed, because I was asked directly, if I had ever got laid. And I had nothing to do, but to say “No”.

To my amazement, my friend’s reaction was quite restrained. Probably he had some emotions inside, but he kept them under control. It looked like my words were not a big deal for him. So we continued talking to each other in the relaxed manner, as we had been doing it since the beginning of our conversation.

In fact, as I got it off my chest, I felt peacefulness. I tried to play the role of an experienced guy so hard (it actually laid in the fact that I was meaningfully silent while the women related topics were discussed :-) ). So much emotional resources were spent to conceal my virginity from others. I didn’t have to waste my energy hiding this fact of my life anymore, so I could direct it into working through my problem to improve the situation. And I should say that I’m grateful to my friend for putting me in such a situation that I had no way out, but to tell the truth. It improved our friendship overall.

After that, I felt that my friend became more careful, when talking to me on sex related topic, and more supportive of my attempts to overcome shyness and awkwardness in relationships with women. He was truly glad when I had lost my virginity eventually.

As you see, nothing awful happened to me. I had accepted my disadvantage at last, and speaking it out had removed the fear to be revealed. So if you feel like “the last virgin on Earth” and you want to discuss it with your close friend – to ask an advice or maybe just to speak it out at last – but hesitating, I strongly recommend you to do it. The fact is that you will likely get support from your friend, which will help you to overcome your problem in the end, than be hurt.

January 8th, 2012

5 thoughts on “The Terrible Secret”

  1. I must admit, my response to this article was nothing but sheer, undiluted puzzlement.

    On a site titled “Sociable Introvert” the author about not having gotten laid as a _disadvantage_, as if it’s something that every self-respecting teen/young adult needs to do before they can hold their head up high in society. So, as a fellow sociable introvert, I’d like to contribute my own perspective on the issue.

    I’ve never gotten laid.

    I don’t intend to before I marry.

    And that has never bothered me in the slightest.

    Contrary to popular belief, not _everyone_ has sex before marriage. This doesn’t make you any worse-off than those who have, or any less of a “man”. Some people (myself included) view not having sex before marriage as actually a good thing. So don’t be satisfied with being open about your virgin status, as is recommended here. Take it a step further, and don’t worry yourself about it. Sex is not something that you have to “check off your list”. You shouldn’t feel obligated to go to great lengths solely to have sex. If you feel that you want to, and you know that you won’t regret it further down the road, I certainly won’t stop you! But it should be a natural thing, not something that you have to force.

    Because, in my humble opinion, it’s really not something worth forcing. There’s more to life than sex. Trust me. (;

    1. Hi,

      Thank you for your deep and insightful comment. I think many people will find it useful. I agree with you completely that not having gotten laid is not a disadvantage. Unfortunately, society conditions us to believe that it is.

      It’s a matter of how strong and independent your personality is: can you resist it or not? That’s great that you are strong enough to resist it.

  2. Thanks for writing the post. Below my additional comments on this topic:
    1. If he/she is your real closed friends, obviously you can discuss anything on this topic.
    2. If he/she is your ‘general’ friend, “to be honest” is better than anything avoiding the topic, telling lies, etc. But it is not necessary to start this topic by yourself. There are other ways to learn/study or gaining advises.
    3. If he/she is not any friend (or just a work colleague and classmate), sometimes … you have to protect yourself by telling “white lies” or just avoiding the topic. By telling the truth, people will humiliate you whether it is intentional or not.
    The main point is, distinguishing the type of ‘friends’ first before deciding “to tell or not to tell”.

    1. Ashley, I agree. I also think that you have to stop regard this problem as a skeleton in your closet, which of course does not mean that you must tell it everyone around you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

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