There were several times when I didn’t let myself start an intimate relationship with a woman, because of my belief that I needed some things to be fixed in me before I could establish a connection with another person. Whenever I wanted to approach a woman, I came up with a few issues in me – in my personality or clothes or shape of skull – why I couldn’t do that.
My strong thought was that I am not ready to get into some kind of relationship until I made some tweaks and adjusting of me. But in fact, those tweaks never ended. As far as I had reached some point, at which one I supposed I would be good enough to be in relationships, right at that very moment I came up with another issue to be solved first. And I was no closer to my destination than I was before.
Reading on-line forums over the Internet I had stuck at this kind of mindset more times than not to notice how many people struggle with the similar problem. They are buying stuff to raise their self-esteems. They are making attempts to change who they are over and over again to earn the right to have a love partner or a friend.
My friend once told me: “You don’t need anything to establish a relationship with another human being”. Well, not exactly these words though, but the meaning is accurately the same.
An Aspect of Buying Things
Whenever you’re tending to buy new sunglasses for a decent sum of money, ask yourself: what is the purpose you’re buying those glasses for? Is your true aim to get the quality product, to protect your eyes from ultraviolet rays with new technology? Or is it only a reason you fool yourself with? Aren’t you getting the sunglasses simply to make your self-esteem higher? Isn’t it because you want to prove that you’re good enough too? Be honest.
If you became aware that the only reason you want to buy some stuff is to feel confident, that’s not good. But it doesn’t make sense to blame yourself for it. Everyone has his/her own insecure feelings; everyone tempts to fall into the false way of mindset from time to time. Don’t be harsh on yourself. Just try to avoid it in the future.
I know very well how hard it can be to turn your consciousness on, when feeling desperate and depressed. Especially when the sweet advertisement makes you believe again and again that this item is what you really need to be confident.
I made the same mistakes in the past. For example, I bought a car. I was convincing myself that I needed it for transportation purposes, so I could had my work done faster. But the true reason was that everyone had a car and I didn’t want to be worse. As a result I didn’t gain anything from it – neither my work done quicker nor permanent higher self-esteem. (To be honest, there was a boost of confidence when I just bought it, but it didn’t last more than a couple of weeks though.) So I sold the car in a year anddidn’t regret it.
A friendship, built on material stuff only, is a mirage. If someone makes friends with someone just because of a tangible benefit, this kind of “friendship” is unlikely to form an equal system, where friends relate to each other as human beings and not dollar signs.
If you’re looking for the true intimate fulfilling human relationships, based on mutual respect and help, then, believe me, you don’t need the new iPhone, or that new dress or shirt for $99…99.99 to attract someone you’re interested in. It doesn’t mean that you should neglect body hygiene entirely and dress like a scarecrow. Or deprive yourself of the benefits of civilization. No. Just be neat and use your common sense, when shopping for a new cellular.
If you want to attract an attention of the potential love partner or a friend, it’s wiser to do it directly – come to a person and initiate conversation, find something you’re both interested in. It takes some courage, but it’s the most effective, the simplest and the cheapest way to get the results actually.
Again, it’s no bad if you can afford and like shopping for its sake unless you do it hoping to improve yourself as a person.
An Aspect of Fixing Your Personality
Another aspect of the problem is thinking that you are not ready for relationships, because you are:
– not as rich as #1 of Forbes List of Billionaires;
– not as brave as Captain America;
– not as witty as the “South Park” Series’ screenwriters;
– not as compassionate as Mother Teresa;
– not that sexy as (at least) top 10 of FHM’s 100 Sexiest Women.
Well, a little bit humor above, but is anything familiar to you?
Do you think you need to be more decisive, more passionate, more educated, etc? A long to-fix list? The trick is that this list will never end. Even if you fix it all, you may decide that you’ve gone too far and become too perfect, more than it’s gotta be, so you’ll start fixing yourself backwards.
Had you ever refused to get into relationship, because you were sure there was something wrong with you, that had to be fixed before letting anyone in? Have you consciously or unconsciously put a potential relationship aside until you reach the point of perfection?
Slow down a little. Do not deprive other people of a chance to be with you.
May 8th, 2012