To be honest, most of my attempts of getting acquianted with girls failed not because of my low communication skills, etc. The truth is that I often get stuck in the stage of so called decision-making. I’ve used “so called” phrase applying to “decision-making” word, because the decision to walk up to the girl is already made actually. However, I keep on standing still and doing nothing. Thus, the reason, why the acquaintance has failed, is that I haven’t even managed to initiate it.
Generally, it’s quite easy for me to keep the ball rolling as the conversation has been started. As the talk is going on, the topics to discuss are popping up in my head really quickly, so I don’t feel like having nothing to say. The hardest part is to start the conversation actually. In fact, I never worry that much about calling a girl or going to a date with her as I do when I have to make a move towards to get ackquainted with that girl.
This article is about the short instant between when you’re seeing a girl and want to walk up to her to introduce yourself, and when you’re actually implementing this desicion and literally making a step toward that girl using your left or right leg. Also I’m going to share my way of overcoming this moment of stucking, which I hope may help you either.
Let’s figure it out
Imagine, you’re standing somewhere in the street, at the bus stop probably, and you see a girl standing aside. She’s really cute and you would like to approach that girl, to say “Hi!”. Let me ask you, what are you feeling at that very moment? Take a moment to think of it. Try to remember not the thoughts, which are spinning in your head, but the feelings you’re experiencing.
Why have I asked you to remember your feelings instead of your thoughts? As I have noticed recently, when I get in such situations, it’s my feelings and emotions what stops me from taking an action. My mind isn’t operating in a way as it would be operating in a neutral, “no emotions” situation. In the neutral situation I would, of course, walk up to that girl right away, ’cause thinking logically, there’s nothing dungerous in an act of approaching a girl: you won’t die, you’ll surely pretty soon overcome the rejection (if it would happen). But when the emotions interfere – the challenge becomes harder: my brain treacherously comes up with more and more excuses why I should not walk up to that girl. Sounds familiar? The reason is that the thoughts, which the mind is generating at this moment, are actually the result of experiencing these strong feelings and emotions, not vice versa. The thinking process is led by emotions. So my advice is not to trust your brains here.
When addressing the topic of approaching a woman, there are a lot of talks here and there about the fears: the fear of rejection, the fear of performing publicly, etc. It is said that these fears are the reasons which stop a guy from a walking up to a girl. I would call these fears the “post-failure fears”, because actually you are not experiencing them right at the moment when deciding to approach a girl. Let me explain. I think you aren’t putting your emotions apart and are not classifying the fears when looking at the girl, like: “OK, here am I, feeling the fear of rejection, and here is the fear of looking stupid. Hi, the fear of looking stupid!”, are you? Well, of course, after you have failed, you may start analyzing why it didn’t work. So you come up with different definitions of fears, analyze your previous emotional state and so on. But when you are at the moment – here is the girl and here am I (right here and now, in other words) – I think it’s time you hardly theoritize on anything.
I would say that the only fear you’re experiencing at that very moment is the fear of leaving your comfort zone: should you stay where you are, or should you take an action, which will make you feel the other way, not the one you used to.
The Swimming Pool
The good example of struggling with your comfort zone is a swimming pool. If you’ve never been to a swimming pool, consider visiting it, so you could better understand what I am talking about.
Let’s assume, you are standing in front of the water in a swimming pool, ready to take a spring. But, though you’ve come here with a clear purpose to have a refreshing swim, you’re hesitating now. The fact is, that the water in the pool is rather cold. Maybe not icy, but its temperature is lower than the air’s temperature. Probably, you were really hot an hour ago and were eager to get into the cold water as fast as you could, but you are in doubts now. Plus, you are dry and you know that you’re going to be really wet as you get into the water. Though you know you will get used to the water in a few moments as you’ve jumped into it, you still don’t want to feel that transaction from warm to cold, from dry to wet. The transaction itself is what bothers you. It’s quite stressful, isn’t it? You know that it will be good and even pleasant eventually, and you will even get fun from the following experience, but you’re feeling OK right at the moment, you don’t need to jump into the water.
However, you hold your breath and dive. A couple of seconds and you’re happily swimming around. 🙂 You’ve jumped, because you’ve accepted the following experience with all its minuses and pluses at last. You knew that you were going to feel uncomfortable, but you had accepted it in the end and taken an action.
Walking up to a girl is like jumping into the water.
As the water is going to be colder than the air, accept that an act of walking up to a girl is going to always contain the stress element. Always. Of course, some day its effect may be reduced with more practice, so you won’t even recognize it. But I have found that it’s much more effective to await that you’re going to be stressed, than to hope that you aren’t. Thus, you don’t hold wrong expectations and if something goes wrong – you are ready for it. Hope for better but be ready for worse, you know. And as when you spend a few seconds in the water, your body adapts to its temperature in the end, you will eventually calm down in a couple of seconds as you initiate the conversation.
So hold your breath and jump into that water 😉
January 8th, 2012