About a couple of months ago, when the StevePavlina.com forums were still active, there was discussed a so called “nice guy” syndrome in one of the forums’ branches. I think, if you’re reading this article, you likely know who the “nice guy” is. Well, if not, here is a short definition from the Wikipedia page:

“A typical nice guy is perceived to put the needs of others before his own, avoids confrontations, does favors, gives emotional support, and generally acts nicely towards women.”

As you see, the “nice” guy looks like a kind-hearted, responsive man, who will surely support a woman in the hard minute of her life. But is it really the niceness, as a trait of character, which stops the “nice guy” from having success with women? Wouldn’t it be strange if the nice human being couldn’t find a love partner? That’s ridiculous, isn’t it? So are the “nice guys” so nice actually? Nope, they aren’t. The “nice guys” are nice very rare indeed. I tell you that as a former and, to my shame, from time to time present “nice guy”. But what’s wrong with the “nice guys” then, so that it’s so hard for them to get a woman? If you’re “nice guy” as was I, I guess you know the answer for this question or at least feel it somewhere deep down your consciousness.

What’s happening behind the scenes

The problem of a “nice guy”, as I said earlier, is not in his niceness. The problem is that the “nice guy” doesn’t live his values. It means, that the nice guy doesn’t think it’s possible to claim his true desires and values to the world. He just can’t do it, it’s too tough for him and as a bitter addition – he blames himself for it. To avoid these negative feelings, the “nice guy” concentrates on pleasing others, not because of the generosity of his soul, but mostly because of scarcity of attention and fear to be rejected by the people. “The nice guy” is a role, an image, he chose to present himself to the people around him. It isn’t who he really is actually. Thus, it creates the conflict between the real him and his image. That conflict doesn’t let him to be transparent or honest to people around him. And if other men don’t really care about it, women, as it appears to be, are very sensitive to it. They feel the inner conflict and feel that the guy has got something to hide. Thus, it pushes them away.

There are several reasons, why the “nice guys” don’t live their values. Here are some of them:

– low self-esteem;

– not enough courage to claim his desires and live his values;

– no purpose in life, doesn’t know what he wants from life.

I could name a lot more reasons, but all of them are connected with each other – one is the consequence of another – so there’s no need to expand that list too much.

Often these reasons are rooted in the childhood and are the result of the guy’s upbringing. Nevertheless, what’s the point to blame anyone now? It’s a waste of time. It’s better to find a way out of this situation, how to deal with that issue, how to stop being a “nice guy” and start being a nice person.

Any suggestions?

My advice is to gradually but consistently start showing the real you. In words and in actions as well. Here are some key moments:

– Set significant (for you) goals, stick with ‘em until you reach ‘em.

– Live your values, even if you’re going to be rejected by some people.

– Say “No” directly. If it isn’t something, that you feel alignment with, if it isn’t something that matters to you – reject it.

– Do not blame yourself, when giving your true values the highest priority.

– Follow your dreams. Do not feel shame for it.

Applying all the above in the real life will surely require courage from you. But don’t afraid of failing. If you fail, accumulate your resources and try again. Consider working with a professional psychiatrist also as it may bring you support and much more results.

January 3rd, 2012