From one of my top articles, called How To Get Invited To A Party, you may grasp which social tactics to use in order to deal with an issue of not being invited to parties.

This time let’s consider the opposite situation. You are a host, and you do not want to invite someone to your party.

Obviously, you have only two ways out of this condition: either invite that person or not to invite that person.

Here are pros and cons of each option.

Not to invite:

The advantage of this choice is clear: that person will not come to your party. However, there are some unpleasant disadvantages you should pay attention to.

First one is that the person, essentially, may get offended by your rejection. Depending on the person’s character, s/he may not reveal it. However, be ready to explain why you are not inviting that person to your party. The best explanation I can think of right now, is to tell that person, that s/he will be bored by people you’re going to invite, and by party overall. Not sure if it’s the best option under your circumstances, but it may work out. If the person continues to insist, well, as a tactful man you will have no choice but to let that person come.

By the way, there’s a workaround in this case. You may suggest the person to come to another party you are throwing. If the party you’re arranging is birthday party, you may consider breaking it in several… “episodes”. Arrange one party for each group you are in. For example, for some time I was well in two separate groups of friends. However, it would be a disaster to arrange one birthday party for both groups as they were quite different in a lot of ways. So I simply split my birthday into two parties: one for each group.

Another “trick” is not to tell that person about the party. There is a smell of cheating in the air, but most people do it. The problem is that if you and that person have mutual friends, those friends may tell him/her that you’re throwing a party, which will result in embarrassing situation. Again, depending on the person you don’t want to invite, s/he either will nurse a grievance against you, or will ask you about the party and invitation openly.

Invite:

OK, now let’s talk about what actually happens if you invite that person. I do not know true reasons why you don’t want that friend of yours to be at your party, so I’ll just try to guess.

Will that person look immature comparatively to other guests? Does s/he act in a way that does not match your other friends’ regular style of interacting? Perhaps, making a fool of him/herself? Like that guy, who climbed up the tree, from the Transformers movie? Maybe s/he tells lame jokes you do not want other persons to listen to?

You’re afraid that it will make harm to the party, your friends will be irritated. But do you actually worry about your friends being dissatisfied? No. You worry about yourself: you don’t want your social status in this group to be harmed.

How do you think it will affect you personally? Do you feel in charge of that friend’s behavior? You do not want to invite that person, not actually because of that person, but because you do not want your other friends, whose opinions are important to you, to think about you in a negative way. Maybe you are thinking that they will project your friend’s silly behavior onto you?

That’s all completely understandable. But let me tell you from my experience that a high chance is that the unwelcome guest, who plays the fool when you are one on one, will correct his/her behavior.

If s/he is really no match for the people who gathered for the party (no common interest to discuss, different sense of humor), that guy or girl will likely be silent all evening long, get bored in the first hour, figure out that s/he doesn’t fit in (as you warned him/her) and make a decision to leave. However, s/he may stay a little later in order not to offend the host (i.e., you).

Of course, every case is unique. Despite all the statistics there’s still a chance something unexpected will occur. For example, that person you were avoiding to invite may start confronting the other guest. Once I invited a guy, who was not among my closest friends, but still interesting person to talk to. So I thought that he would add “something new and fresh” to the party. And he started arguing with my other (close) friend, insulting him. Well, that was kind of uncomfortable situation. He left in an hour or so. I just said something like “Sorry, I didn’t expect that from him”, but I do not think my friends needed any excuses from me anyway. The incident was immediately forgotten.

 “Blah-blah-blah… I’m fed up with your theoretical reasoning, now what should I do?”

Keep calm and…

If the person is just an acquaintance, feel free to choose and use any described above method.

However, if that person is your true friend, then I would recommend you invite him/her to the party, despite any doubts and fears you may keep inside. I did the opposite several times. Now I regret about it. So learn from my mistakes, not yours 😉