Boys Don’t Cry

Recently it feels there’s a lot of buzz around the “demasculinazation” of the male part of the human society.

Various sources of information and self-development blogs are spreading the opinion that today world’s comfort conditions make men waker, softer, more fragile, less ambitious, passive.

The above sources call this process the core reason of the young male adults’ problem to find a love partner.

The relatively peaceful environment, that humanity created for itself, fires back on the male part of the human tribe, they say.

I suppose, it has some truth in it. But what bothers me is the extreme point these “teachings” tend toward to.

After criticizing the current state of affairs, adepts of the above opinion suggest the solution, which consists of the number of stereotypical actions which may turn a neurotic nerd into an alpha male.

Going down the list of traits every “true man” must possess, and omitting cliche advices such as a “an alpha male is a confident leader”, we are likely to get to the part about emotions. Or, to be more precise, the absence of emotions.

If you’re a girl, you may be surprised with how many illogical expectations are laid on the shoulders of a boy brought up in traditional society. Among them, the expectation of being an emotionless machine.

There’s a phrase that describes it best: “Boys don’t cry”.

Since a boy is born, he is taught to be tough, strong like a rock, extremely disciplined, and yes, not to cry.

Crying here is over-generalization of all human emotions actually.

Most guys, your kind servant including, when they grow up, unconsciously tend to follow those instructions. However, as it is impossible not to feel emotions for a human being, the emotions get suppressed.

The side-effect is that those suppressed emotions, when it’s impossible to keep them inside, burst out. Then, this uncontrollable process may not only harm surrounding people, relationships with them, but also destroy the person itself.

According to the russian biology Ph.D., Sergey Saveliev, every normal human being spends its life in conflict of her/his two essential parts: an animal part and a human part. This struggle continues till a person dies.

When we talk about such things as social awareness, social sacrifice and concept of consciousness overall, we talk about the human component of us.

On the other side, food, reproduction and dominance is the basic and in fact the only needs of the animal half of the human.

My thought is that emotions, especially negative, hardly controllable and destructive ones, such as irrational anger, fury, are also a part of our animal component. Nevertheless, they’re still an inseparable part of our nature.

Thus the proposition of just suppressing them without a subsequent solution to expressing them is merely ridiculous and, moreover, dangerous.

I believe that every emotion – whether negative or positive one – must find its way out of the body in one or another shape. Unfortunately, the “eco” ways of expressing them is not what you can learn in school. As a result we have lots of terrifying cases of human emotional outbreak.

Crying is one of the least harmful expressions of negative emotions we may have. Nobody gets physically or mentally hurt if you cry (until you do it intentionally in order to get what you want).

boys don't cry
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at

However, it is considered as one of the most shameful experiences a male person may publicly have. Instead, the irrational fury is awarded. If you punch someone in the face, the traditional society will be on your side than if you cry when you feel bad.

There’s a false belief that crying is a mark of a weak person, a person who gives up a fight. This postulate cannot be more wrong.

Crying is a natural reaction when you do not get what you want. Although it can be unproductive in unreasonable amounts, if you do not overdo it, it may be quite helpful. When you’re done crying you may feel refreshed and like taking new actions.

Crying has nothing to do with complaining. Complaining is a poisonous process stretched over time (sometimes it covers the whole life of a person). Crying is usually a rare, one-time action, which may be viewed as saying farewell to plans you failed to achieve and celebrating the decision to build the new ones.

I read several bios of public people who are considered to be an example of masculinity in the modern world: they are successful in their careers and financially independent. Among them, Hong Kong action movie actor Jackie Chan, and well-known now dead Steve Jobs.

Reading their stories of life I was especially focused on places where they expressed their emotions, including those which are not interpreted as masculine ones by society.

However, their examples show the opportunity to break social expectations and, nevertheless, be accepted by society.

All in all, the fact is we cannot ignore an animal inside us, otherwise constant suppression will only fire back when we less expect it in an awfully destructive way.

As human beings at this stage of evolution, the only right thing for us to do is to take into consideration both aspects of our human nature and learn to express the latter one in a civilized, no-harm way, even if in doing so we have to review some social/religious norms of our lives.

Featured image by saphatthachat,

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