― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

Earlier this year I turned 30 and this post pretty much sums up my life experience for the last decade.

I procrastinated on writing my thoughts down regarding this event for half a year. Mostly due to the high stress to make it perfect I had put on my shoulders. Such dates happen just once, so it felt like I had to hone every detail of this post to perfection.

“Every thought must be thought through and shine brighter than the sun,” – I thought. The old good perfectionism, bottom line.

Eventually, I figured out that if I do not wake up early next morning and start writing right off the bat, it will be delayed till 40 year old anniversary and so on. But there’s still a hope even in this case: probably someone would be kind enough and sum up my life experience for me in the form of an epitaph?.. Haha, just a pinch of black humor.

But let’s get back on track.

*

We are culturally conditioned to consider round anniversaries as some milestone in our life. On such dates we tend to judge our previous life, make existential conclusions, regret the mistakes and missed opportunities. We may get nostalgic about some delightful moments we experienced in the passed years and get sad knowing those years will never come back.

So, although technically, it was just another year of my life came to an end, whether I wanted it or not, I started asking myself questions, uncomfortable and disturbing ones including.

Have I created something meaningful in the last decade? Have I developed any skills? Was I enjoying my life at all during those years?

What mistakes have I made along the way? Which of them I would keep for the purpose of growth experience, which ones would I try to avoid completely if I started over?

What lessons did I learn? And how would I like to spend my 30s and the rest of my life in the light of those lessons?

Some questions were easy to answer, others I would like to be never asked. For a number of them I still can’t figure out the final responses.

*

However, there’s a thesis I’d like my 30+, 40+ and so on year old me to follow. Here it is: think for yourself.

It’s short, sounds easy, but it’s amazing how deep its meaning is, and how much this thesis may impact someone’s life if adopted.

I feel like it took me all my life to finally define it. Of course, I’ve heard this idea many times before, but some advice you merely cannot understand and apply until you get sufficient portion of your own life experience.

What does thinking for yourself mean?

I admit that my understanding of this thesis may also change over time, but as for now I place emphasis on three ideas of this conception.

1. Thinking for yourself means accepting who you are

It not only means to understand who you are, but also to admit who you are in the whole.

It means quit looking for idols. Quit attempting to be who you are not. Quit looking for perfection.

If you stop running from negative sides of who you are, you may discover that they are not so adverse. Some of them may even turn out to be good, and you may find unexpected ways to use them no only for your interest, but for the purpose of wellbeing of people who surround you.

If you an introvert, you may interpret your need for solitude as a flaw. Some people want you to be around them all the time, but you can’t satisfy the demand. You feel guilty.

But if you approach it from another angle, you may see that when you’re alone you’re more creative and artistic. So if you have enough time on your own, you may end up giving the world a creative product, which will benefit many people.

Outgoing people may make feel other people better through the face-to-face communication.

You may give value to the world too at the same time avoiding necessity of direct communication. It’s not a drawback in your personality. It’s just your way to contribute to the world.

2. Thinking for yourself means doing what is beneficial to you

This idea does not result in being selfish and egocentric. It just keeps you from making yourself any harm in the first place.

Unfortunately, no matter how much we want the opposite, we still live in the competitive world where the amount of resources is rather limited.

While there exist altruistic people in our society, there are still too few of them to make the real difference. Lots of people would be happy to use your goodheartedness in their own interests.

And to a lesser extent, they will think of your wellbeing during the implementation of their plans.

Thinking for yourself means being aware of such cases, and considering the situation as a whole with its black and whites stripes.

Is the action you’re getting involved in by another person benefits you in some way or another as well? Is it a win-win, or is it an abuse-win situation, when you are the person who gets the short end of the stick?

Thinking for yourself also requires you to quit being a people pleaser. Being “too nice” to other people hoping they will like you, will tread to pieces your self-esteem.

This approach will plunge your soul into severe conflict between your true self and the image you must create for other people.

No need to say, that the consequences of sustaining the lifestyle of a people-pleaser can get really, really bad, like developing borderline personality disorder.

3. Thinking for yourself means trusting yourself more than others

People have a weird inclination to rely on other people’s conclusions and decisions rather than trust themselves. Well, it’s not that weird. It may be explained from the viewpoint of responsibility. Or to be more precise, avoiding it by all means.

This is why self-help guru business is so developed. We, people, are weak, so we seek a father figure, an authority who will take care of our lives.

It is not necessary a person. It may be TV, Youtube chanel, some newspaper – any source of information actually.

In some or another way they influence our tastes, beliefs and decisions.

Is there any source of information you get advice from regularly? Do you think you trust it too much? Do you really need it to make your own decisions and live your life?

Did you reply with Yes to any of the above questions? If so, perhaps you should abandon it.

In February 2015 I quit following the blog I was a fan of for ten years.

At first, this idea seemed scary. I was uncertain if I should end this long-term relationship with this source of information.

I was afraid to get lost and lonely without it. I thought I would miss the original content delivery of the blog and the entertaining style of discussions in the comment sections.

However, as soon as I added this web-site to the ban list of an Internet browser plugin, it appeared that the breakup was not as catastrophic as I initially thought.

It felt a bit uncomfortable first few days after abandoning though. But mostly it was the problem of getting rid of the habit and overcoming the addiction to visit the web-site my brain has established rather than the actual lack of thoughts and information from this blog.

Eventually, I discovered that trusting my own thoughts, experience and decisions (even if they look wrong for you now), is much more sure way to find your inner confidence and peace and overall success in life, rather than when you read about someone’s experience and rely on that.

We all have different background and path. So one size does not fit all.

*

Like every piece of wisdom, comprehension of “Think for yourself” one is easy and difficult at the same time.

Don’t fret though, there’s no way you can fail at cognizing this conception.

Every one of us looks on this world through her/his own eyes, so each understanding of the “Think for yourself” idea may be different.

And that’s OK, because there is no right or wrong way to perceive this life.

Perfection is in diversity of our experiences.

Do you have any insights on your mind you experienced lately? I would love to hear them!

Featured image by nattavut, freedigitalphotos.net

I don’t argue: high chance is you’re right. But do you really need to sacrifice your life-long romance with CS:GO, Skyrim, or, god have mercy upon us, Minecraft in order to get a social life?

Not at all.

If you had a chance to read my first articles, you may remember the post, in which I dogmatically blame my weakness for the computer games during teenage period as one of the primary reasons to lag in social activities.

Looking at gaming from such an angle made me think that the only way out was to break the habit completely.

I deliberately made a choice to lose interest in video games entirely.

Though it did have some really good effects on my social life, with the course of time, I came to the conclusion that that judgement I had ten years ago was perhaps too black and white.

Later, when I figured out that going to a night club (and meeting new people overall) was no such a big deal as I thought, to my surprise I found out that many who I hanged out with, were also gamers.

It had blown my mind!

Before, I was sure that one couldn’t have the best from both worlds: you are either an anti-social gamer, or a party person. Binary choice: A or B.

I was incredibly amused when I got to know that some of my friends whom I considered as socially successful people, also enjoyed playing Counter-strike, RPGs, and some social web games.

Moreover, they were quite good at them. It’s not that they just played it like 5 minutes per week. They spent quite a lot of time in front of their desktop screens (yes, tabs and phones were not that spread back in the day).

So what was the difference between me, a guy who had no social life, and my friends, who spent almost as much time playing computer games as I, and at the same time enjoyed abundance of social interaction?

The answer is clear: they did not close their minds for other experiences. They did not cross out other areas of life from their reality.

They felt the line where gaming starts to harm their social life and stayed away from it. At the same time they did not abandon their passion for computer games.

They managed to find a balance between playing games and socializing.

They had friends, they went out regularly, they had girlfriends and they played video games.

And that balance was achieved by spending a fraction of their day on socializing. They played, but they DID make time to call a friend, send a message, to go out.

Perhaps, the thought of giving your passion for video games up completely as a necessary and ultimate step to get a social life disturbs you.

You are not ready for such a harsh approach.

So you may procrastinate on leaving your home, meeting new people and making friends.

However, as you can see, you may find a happy medium without taking borderline actions.

You can have the best of both worlds: stay in touch with your friends AND enjoy playing video games.

When you choose to miss opportunities that life gives you, hardly anything can be done.

If your general life plan is to stay the way you are — a reserved guy with a rich inner world, hardly anyone can help you.

If you choose to shut your mind, you will not be able to see chances to get out and become socially savvy no matter how many of those opportunities are floating around you back and forth.

That is what we call the power of choice. This is a great power, and luckily, you can control it.

You may choose to change – invite new experience and activities to your life. Do not step aside.

Balanced lifestyle, when all your passions and activities are interwined in such a way that they feed each other, does exist, and you have the strength to find it.

A typical introvert according to a typical extravert:

2. The real world scares introverts, they do not know how to survive there

via GIPHY

3. Introvert is an emotionless machine lacking the skill of empathy

via GIPHY

4. Introverts are hopeless daydreamers and escapists who need to come back down to earth as soon as possible

via GIPHY

5. Introverts are misanthropic tight-lipped arrogant creatures who do not trust people

via GIPHY

6. Introverts are pessimistic depressive fellows

via GIPHY

7. Introverts are mostly geeks and nerds

via GIPHY

8. Introverts are dangerous: they keep silent and smile, you never know what’s on their mind

via GIPHY

9. Introverts are broken extraverts

via GIPHY

10. Introverts are touch-me-not

We love hugs!

via GIPHY

 11. Introverted equals Shy

The king of myths about introverts.

via GIPHY

12. A person is either an introvert or an extravert

You don’t necessary need to join one side or another. Many people are ambiverts who combine traits of both types.

via GIPHY

In this short article I would like to present you the idea of the point of no return in groups talks, and how it can harm or help you.

I regard myself as a introverted person. Still I’m very eager to participate in social interactions despite the excess of them leaves me completely drained of my energy.

Nevertheless, when you just meet up with your friends, you are fresh and anticipate that you’ll spend some really good time with them.

When the talk starts (or you join active one), it’s OK to spend a number of initial minutes to tune in to a vibe of the conversation. It’s fine to feel kind of tongue-tied in the beginning.

However, once you figured out the kind of discussion: its topic, its mood — you have like about 5 minutes at max to kick your two cents in.

If you miss that point, two unpleasant things start to unfold:

a) You begin getting nervous that you haven’t said anything yet. And that if you say something now it will look awkward after so much silence from your side;

b) Other people may start considering you as quiet, and will begin to ignore you (like making no eye contact with you).

The Point of No Return, though having a dramatic name, is not that fatal, of course. Missing it does not necessarily make you obliged to stay silent through the rest of the group conversation.

It’s more of a warning sign which may make it a bit harder for you to start talking once you’ve passed it.

Best way to get a girlfriend is to make as many approaches as possible, until you succeed.

95% of guys who ask Google why can’t i find a girlfriend merely make too few attempts.

Here’s how it looks like:

An average guy approaches a girl and gets rejected. Then he waits for half a year to try again.

Fear of rejection may hold you back, but reiteration is literally the best way to get a girlfriend fast.

Walk up to a girl you like no matter which circumstances you may find yourself under, have a quick chat and ask for a phone number.

If you perform the above sequence of actions enough times, you’ll definitely get a date, which is the confident preerquisite for everything else.

2 You wait for The Princess aka Perfect Someone

Probably you have an unclear silhouette of a perfect girlfriend in your head. Perhaps, you even may describe her characteristics. Are you sure such a person really exists?

3 You give up too fast, after the first rejection

You ask a girl out for coffee. She says No. She says she’s busy. Then you give up.

What if I told you, she might be actually busy that evening. Why don’t you try again in a week or two?

Intersexual relationships may be tricky sometimes. No means Yes, and all that. But why don’t you make one more attempt just to make things clear?

4 You live with parents in your late 20s. You can afford living on your own, but you do not move out because you’ve chosen to stay in comfort conditions of parental home.

This is a big red flag for most women, who may consider you as an eventual boyfriend.

If you have income which covers your basic needs in food and room, think of moving out of your parents’ home as soon as possible.

Living on your own is among the best ways to get a girlfriend.

Please, be aware of 9 worst tips for moving out of your parents’ house.

5 You are a “nice guy”. And it’s not a compliment.

6 You have appearance issues you can easily solve (bad breath, dirty close, etc.)

Sometimes it’s banal negligence that makes a girl not want to consider you as a boyfriend.

7 You obsess over physical aspects of your body you can’t change (height, weight, bald head, etc.)

This is quite a widespread excuse for no girlfriend. A man finds some flaw (which may not really be a flaw) in his body and focuses on it.

The image of a handsome, finely dressed man is propagandized by companies, the only goal of which is to make you buy their products.

If you take a walk along the street you may notice that there’re all types of couples.

8 You try to be the best and the most perfect one.

People actually love imperfect ones. Read why.

9 You expect a girl to make the first move. You do not initiate social interaction.

While there are cases when a woman initiates communication with the romantic purpose, there’re too few of them to be considered as the way things actually are.

Most women still prefer a guy to approach them. These are just the rules of the game.

10 You hang out with the group of people who dominate over you, so your personality is not seen.

It may happen that people you usually hang out with tend to relate to you as someone less important. Or someone whose opinion can be easily ignored. They may assert themselves at your expense.

Such social group may be the cause why you cannot get a girlfriend. A woman sees that you occupy an inferior position among other males in your group. This fact makes you less desirable to her.

11 You avoid public places (where most social interactions take place, including social networks)

12 You dwell on your past mistakes as well as on bygone glorious victories

People have a natural tendency to ruminate over their past.

Sometimes you may remember some shameful public situation or a goofy mistake you made long ago. That’s OK. That is how we use our experience to achieve better results in the future.

However, if you focus on the negative side of your past too much, you may start catastrophizing those events and bringing in unproductive definitions as always and never.

“I always make fool of myself in public.”

“I never do anything right.”

The opposite extreme is to concentrate on your victories only. You may shape a self-image of a highly successful person who always wins, which is based on your thoughts and impression of your bygone days (not actual facts).

This will result in unrealistically high expectations, so every failure you’ll ever experience, will cause unnecessary pain.

In the case of getting a girlfirend problem, you may dwell on one regular rejection too heavily, and come up with a delusional idea, that your next attempt will end the same way.

Or, when you were in the elementary school, you were popular among the girls — usually they made the first move.

Now you project those events onto the current circumstances.

So when you do not get desired results, you get confused and unhappy, because your expectations were not met as you thought they would.

13 You complain way too much. You’re hooked on self-pity emotional junk

“I find it fascinatingly stupid for average dudes to sit around in a mediocre forum discussing how they will die virgins, and all of them will come back to such place to consume more and more of such negative energy!”

14 You are not disciplined to approach women on a regular basis

15 You are too picky

You find a flaw in every girl you meet. I’m pretty sure, you’ll find a drawback or too in The Princess you’re waiting for as well.

All people have one or another negative aatribute, you including.

16 You’re too focused on your study/job, and do not make time for the romantic affairs

Perhaps, it’s just defensive mechanism, or you really do love studying/working so much that you completely ignore other areas of your life.

17 In the beginning of an acquaintance you do not state clearly that you see the girl as a romantic partner. So you find yourself in the friend zone eventually.

18 You wait for the perfect moment when you feel emotionally, financially, physically great to approach a girl (which never ever happens).

You believe that public success, fame, money will make girls longing for spending a date with you. Partly it’s true, but it’s unlikely it will get you the girl you really want.

19 You’re afraid to reveal your personality traits in public

20 You build walls instead of bridges. You avoid straight ways like simply walk up to a girl you like and say Hi.

You come up with messy  plans how to get that girl. However, you will not get any score for the original approach. You delay the results you want, and it’s just ineffective.

21 Too much of glamour inside to meet a real life girl. You’ve seen too many photoshopped pictures and watched too many polished videos and anime to be attracted to a real woman.

22 You overthink things

23 Some girls find you attractive. You miss those opportunities.

They aren’t good enough for you, are they?

24 You draw fast conclusions why this or that girl does not suit you without even talking to her, just by her appearance

25 You get too close too quickly

26 You read and theorize way too much. You want to know how things work before trying them first-hand.

27 You do not have other interests in your life

28 You avoid touching a girl by all means

29 You’re afraid to compete with other guys

30 You’re looking in the wrong places (nightclubs, if you don’t like to dance, crowded groups of friends if it’s hard for you to communicate in such environment)

31 You’ve built a fake image of yourself and are trying to sell it. You present yourself as rich when you’re broke, as confident when you are not, etc.

32 You do not think for yourself. You rely on someone’s else experience and opinion, this list including, instead of getting your own hands-on results.

Featured image by nenetus at FreeDigitalPhotos.net