Here I collected several tips for moving out from your parents house, which may make you more harm than good.

1 Moving out with no money is a good idea

We all admire people who can make money from nothing in a short period of time, but are you really sure you can find enough $$$ to pay your rent in the end of the month without a traditional job?

Do not overestimate your financial skills, and your social skills (that you may somehow talk your friend into sharing an apartment with him and not to pay rent). You may improve them later.

But for now make sure you have a regular 9 to 5 job which covers your basic needs in rent and food before moving out of home.

Also it’s a good precaution to save up a budget which may cover 3 months of your expenses if you lose your job for some reason.

What is the chance that your social skills are that evolve that you can

2 Wait for perfect circumstances

You may want to postpone your leave until you find the perfect place with a splendid view on the city/ocean/mountains, perfect neighbours who are no less than your soulmates; you may tell yourself that you’re ready to move out from parents when you find a better paid job (which you also love), or when the country’s economics overcomes crisis.

You may convince yourself that if every of these circumstances falls into place, you’re ready to leave. But that’s a trap. Excuses for not moving out will come up again and again.

Perfect is bad.

In fact, all you need to move out is a job (which you may not even like) to cover your basic expenses.

Mediocre results are better than those postponed forever.

3 Think everything ahead

If you try to think every possible obstacle you may stumble upon when living on your own ahead, it may hold you back from taking actual actions completely.

If you, like me, try to create not only Plan A (everything goes smoothly), Plan B (something goes wrong), but also plans C, D and all the letters of alphabet for every minor issue you may encounter, be ready that you will apply no plan in the end and prefer status quo.

4 Creating a overly-exaggerated moving out of your parents house checklist

5 Make a strong decision

If you a cautious person this advice may easily fire back on you. You do not have to be 100% sure you are ready financially and psychologically to live on your own to take this step.

6 Reach a certain age

No, no, no. If you’re able to cover your basic needs living on your own, you’re ready to leave, whether you’re 16 or 35 years old.

7 Your parents should stimulate you

While some parents harshly stimulate their children to leave the nest right after they graduate from school, other parents may be neutral or even prefer their kids to stay with them. At the same time they may believe that children should move out some day in the future. But this future never comes.

Do not rely on your parents for this decision.

8 Find a love partner first

You may argue that there’s no reason for you to move out from parents before you find a love partner.

Wrong. In fact, it’s harder to find a love partner while you live with parents. The reason is obvious: the other person may consider you as immature because you still live with parents. Thus s/he may refuse build relationships with you.

9 Become financially independent before moving out from parents

It’s unlikely that you may reach this goal living with your parents. As long as you live with them high chance is that you’re going to stay in your childish financially dependent mindset.

Our brain does not like to work, it likes to have a rest and have fun. Comfort conditions of your parents’ house anti-stimulate it. You may wish to change the situation, earn more money, build a career, but your brain, realizing that it may relax instead of working now, will, for sure, put off taking any action as long as it can.

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This week we’re going to delve a bit deep into the psychology of online dating, and more importantly, what kind of messages you should be sending in order to get a woman’s interest and get that first date.

1. Bring Up Specific Interests

This may seem pretty simple, but too many guys ignore the basics. If you’re on Tinder, you can get away with simpler messages since there is only so much info you get on a person. But on something like OkCupid, where people give you far more information don’t open with something like:

“Hey Cutie, what’re you up to?”

Ugh. Just reading that makes me depressed. Not only does it show you not trying, but you sound like every other guy who thinks his J-Smooth on the internet. Bring up at least one interest of hers in the first message, preferably one that you share.

“Hey, you hike too? What’s the last place you went hiking?”

Far from great, but at least it’s an honest first attempt. Psychologically, it looks like you’re at least trying to get to know her. But let’s see if we can’t make this better.

2. Don’t be too formal

This doesn’t mean go crazy with bad grammar and misspellings (the other end of the spectrum), but too many people write messages as if they’re writing a cover letter for a job.

“Hi, my name is James Smith, and I see we both enjoy hiking. Would you like to go hiking with me?”

What are you, a robot? Stop it. Too many men open with something bland and stilted that immediately kills any chance of a follow-up. Your message should be fun, and help to open up a conversation.

Let’s restructure that into something with more pizzazz:

“Last year I hiked the Appalachian Trail with three sweaty, stinky men, who had to huddle together for warmth at night. I decided I’d like to do my next hike with a woman instead lol. What’s the hardest hike you’ve ever been on?

I’m James, by the way. :-)”

Is it going to win an Oscar? No. But you’ve already told a piece of information about yourself in a cute way, kept it lighthearted, fun, and opened the door for more conversation. This is a good opening.

3. Don’t Use Text Speak

Psychologically, using text speaks says that you don’t care, either about how you present yourself, or about the person you’re trying to get a date with, neither of which will help you out in the long run. Have the decency to use a spell check and not use the acronym of every other word.

“Last yr I hiked the App trail with 3 sweaty, stinky men. FML, right? What’s the hrdst trail you ever been on?”

Straight up, you sound dumb, and unless you look like George Clooney, no woman will want to start up a conversation with someone who sounds like that.

4. Avoid Physical Compliments

Some of you might be surprised by this—after all, how many guys start talking to a girl with some line about how beautiful she is? But starting from here can make getting your date an uphill battle.

There are two reasons for this: 1. It can set a bad precedent where they only think you’re into them because of how they look and 2. It makes you seem like all the others guys. Think about it—a lot of guys do start off by commenting on a woman’s looks, and a HELL of a lot more do that online. So if she got 20 messages today and 19/20 guys open with a compliment and you don’t, you instantly stand out from the pack.

5. Keep it Short and Sweet

Do not write a book report with your first message. It comes across as desperate. None of the examples on this page—even the bad ones—are above 3-5 sentences, and that’s all you need. The goal is to peak her interest enough to get a message back, not tell her about all your hopes and dreams, or ask her about everyone of hers. Save that for the date.

Take these tips, and use them to craft your first messages. Keep it light, funny, quick, and make run that shit through spellcheck. If you get any more success, let us know in the comments below.

by Nick Masercola

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Social Anxiety is a disorder characterized by a persistent fear of social situations, resulting in distress or interference with daily life functioning. The person affected with social anxiety would’ve realized that their fear is irrational, but cannot avoid it. Some common fears that people with social anxiety experience are: eating/drinking in the presence of strangers, public speaking, using public toilets and writing in public. Sometimes you might experience these things even if you don’t have social anxiety: what determines whether you have social anxiety is severity, duration, whether it causes interference/distress and how you respond to it.

Why does social anxiety occur and why is it so difficult to get rid off? People with social anxiety suffer from a repeated cycle where:

1. They have a fear that they seem anxious to other people.
2. This results in anxiety symptoms such as distress
3. They’ll start to believe that other people can see their anxiety and this results in anxiety symptoms (number 2) and greater fear that they seem anxious to other people (number 1).

How do you overcome social anxiety? Firstly, it’s important to note that social anxiety is sustained due to following behaviours:

• Increased attention on the self

When the person becomes alarmed that they aren’t making the impression they want on other people, they will shift their attention from their surroundings onto themselves, resulting in excessive monitoring and judgement of their own actions. This is a huge issue, because, just compare how you are when you are alone (like right now if you’re alone on your computer reading this) compared to in a public environment.Your attention is rarely on yourself if you are alone, because you don’t have to worry what other people think. This is how YOU are naturally and you want to emulate this in a public environment. Next time, try to minimize the attention to yourself in a public environment and start realizing when you are focusing too much on yourself. Your social anxiety won’t disappear overnight, and at first, this attention shifting will be a conscious action, but over time, it will become natural and you won’t be focusing on yourself too much.

• Cognitive Biases and False Information

When the person starts focusing on themselves, not only are they judging their actions, but they have a negative, distorted view of themselves. There are dozens of cognitive biases, so I will probably cover this in a different post, explaining each one.

• Using ‘safety behaviours’

Safety behaviours are things which people do to make them feel more at ease with a situation. Some examples are: sitting at the back of class so you aren’t noticed, avoiding eye contact during a conversation, mumbling during a conversation or rehearsing what you are going to say next during a conversation. Safety behaviours make the anxiety persistent, because, even though you are being exposed to the situation more (which would naturally result in less fear over time), by doing these safety behaviours, you are telling your mind that the situation is dangerous and you need to do these behaviours to protect yourself. It’s important to start recognizing these safety behaviours and gradually diminish them over time.

Using CBT to Treat Social Anxiety

CBT, also known as Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy is a method used by psychologists to treat a variety of disorders ranging from anxiety to depression to even schizophrenia. As time passes, there is more and more evidence to suggest that CBT is the best way to treat anxiety disorders and some studies even suggest that CBT is the only effective method in eliminating anxiety disorders for the long term. Here, I’m going to show you how to do a very basic CBT technique which relies on the ABC model by Albert Ellis.

The ABC model states that there are 3 phases:

Activating Event: This is the event that happens

Beliefs: This is the person’s beliefs about the event

Consequences: This is what the person does or how they react to the event

Here’s an example of how this applies to social anxiety.

A: Your friend has agreed to meet up with you over the weekend and he arrives 15 minutes late.

B: You believe that he arrived late, because you aren’t important enough so he didn’t put effort in making it on time.

C: You feel sad and spend the rest of the day being distant from your friend.

Now compare that with this example:

A: Your friend has agreed to meet up with you over the weekend and he arrives 15 minutes late.

B: You believe that he arrived late, because he’s lazy and woke up late.

C: You ask him why he’s late, he tells you that he got stuck in traffic and apologizes. You have a good time together that day.

See how much your beliefs can impact your decision making and emotions? A person with social anxiety will have all kinds of distorted, negative beliefs. It’s up to you as your own psychologist to recognize these faulty beliefs that are causing you harm, and then restructuring them to something else that’s realistic and rational. Next time you are doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable, think ‘why is this making me uncomfortable?’ For instance, if you get anxious when meeting someone new, ask yourself why you are feeling anxious? Below is how it would look on the ABC model:

A: You are meeting someone new

B: ???

C: You feel uncomfortable and start acting nervous around them, mumbling and not knowing what to say.

What are your beliefs that are causing you to feel this way? Everyone will have different reasons, but I will fill it in with the most common reason.

B: He/she probably thinks negatively of me, or he/she probably thinks I’m pathetic.

Now whether this is true or false (most of the time it is false), it is not a reason for you to be afraid. Sure even if they think negatively of you, it’s not going to cause you any harm and the only thing that you can do about it is find out the cause of why they think negatively of you and fix it for next time.

Maybe you did something really stupid like put your shirt on the wrong way? Even then, most people aren’t going to hate you or think too negatively about you for that reason. If I met someone who wore their shirt the wrong way, I’d just think that they were late and had to rush to somewhere in the morning and made a mistake. Whatever the reason is, all you have to do is fix it for next time and there won’t be a reason for them to think negatively about you.

Start doing the things mentioned in this post, and you’ll find yourself less scared of social situations over time. Don’t expect it to happen overnight, everything takes time. At first, you may find that your emotions are too strong, but over time, you’ll be more and more used to rational thinking, and youwon’t have negatively distorted beliefs to affect you anymore.

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Cuando se trata de festejar, las personas tímidas tienden a conseguir el extremo corto de la vara. El hecho de no ser invitado puede hacerte pensar que el anfitrión de la fiesta, o no te quiere allí o simplemente se le olvidó pedirte que fueras.

“¿Por qué no fui invitado a la fiesta?”

Preguntas que pueden empezar a girar en tu cabeza

– “¿Por qué no fui invitado a la fiesta?”

– “¿Debo pedir que me inviten a la fiesta?”

Estos pensamientos negativos pueden variar, pero la idea central detrás de ellos es la misma: te gustaría unirte a la diversión y pero no estás invitado. Peor aún, esta negatividad puede extenderse a otras fiestas, lo que significaría que te podrías perder una fiesta tras otra.

¿Cuáles son algunas de las razones por las que no has sido invitado a una fiesta? Bueno, omita la más obvia de que tú y el anfitrión tienen algún problema personal. De otro modo, hay sólo dos razones:

1 – Tú y el anfitrión no son cercanos.

Si usted y el anfitrión apenas se conocen, puede ser que el anfitrión dude en invitarte a la fiesta que hará.

2 – Tú no aparentas ser una persona fiestera

Lo creas o no, la forma en que te retratas a otros puede determinar si eres o no invitado a las fiestas. Si la gente te ve como el tipo de persona que no festeja mucho, es probable que no te inviten a la próxima fiesta.

Por ejemplo: es posible que tengas la reputación de ser del tipo solitario – a alguien que no le importa pasar tiempo por sí solo todos los días. Por esa razón, las personas no pueden pensar que tú estarías interesado en ir a una fiesta.

Ten en cuenta que eso no significa que tu carácter es incompatible con las fiestas. Solo significa que la gente ha visto un solo lado de ti. Si vas a cambiar cómo la gente te percibe, es necesario mostrar la personalidad fiestera… y tienes que hacerlo yendo a una fiesta.

¿Cómo soy invitado a una fiesta?

Bueno, esa es la verdadera pregunta, ¿no? Lo creas o no, todo lo que tienes que hacer es dejar de adivinar y solo preguntarle al anfitrión si puedes ir. Si no lo conoces, pídele a un amigo que los introduzca. ¡Eso es todo lo que tienes que hacer!

Tú puedes pensar que este es el final de este artículo, ¿no? ¡Te equivocas! Después de todo, seguir adelante con tu solicitud puede ser francamente intimidante, y si pudieras hacerlo, ya lo habrías hecho.

Entonces, con esto en mente, hay otras opciones que necesitas utilizar para asegurarte de obtener una invitación a la fiesta – todo ello sin tener que ser directo.

1 – Compra/crea un regalo

Si la fiesta a la que quieres ir es una fiesta de cumpleaños, considera llevar un regalo. Después de todo, es la forma más eficaz de ser invitado a la fiesta. Asegúrate de comprar un pequeño regalo simbólico (o, si tienes las habilidades, haga uno). Ve hasta el lugar de la fiesta y dáselo al anfitrión. Una vez allí, es probable que seas invitado a quedarte y formar parte de la diversión.

Si las cosas no salen como lo planeado, siempre puedes decir que no ibas a salir esa noche y que solo querías pasar por su casa y desearle feliz cumpleaños porque estabas cerca.

Tenga en cuenta que la técnica solo funciona si conoces al anfitrión… incluso si es simplemente un conocido.

2 – Arregle la coincidencia

Si la fiesta se lleva a cabo en un club local o en un bar, considera aparecerte al mismo tiempo. Esto hace que se vea poco visible que en realidad estás tratando de ser invitado a la fiesta. Es probable que mientras que te estés tomando una copa en el bar, tus amigos te inviten.

La técnica puede funcionar incluso si no estás familiarizado con el anfitrión. Alguien que te conoce te puede introducir al anfitrión y a los otros miembros del grupo.

3 – Usa un coche

En mis artículos anteriores, he mencionado la importancia de utilizar un coche. Sin embargo, hablaré sobre ello una vez más. La idea es utilizar tu coche para recoger a amigos y llevarlos al lugar donde se celebra la fiesta. Es muy probable que tu gesto te consiga una invitación a la fiesta.

4 – Muestra un poco de curiosidad

Si conoces a la persona de la fiesta y no te ha invitado, pídele alguna información al respecto:

– ¿Qué tipo de fiesta es – cumpleaños, aniversario, Año Nuevo, etc.?

– ¿Cuán será?

– ¿Dónde será?

– ¿Quiénes han sido invitados?

Considera comenzar la conversación diciendo algo como: “Oye, oí que tendrías una fiesta”. Al ser curioso sobre la fiesta, el anfitrión podrá decidir invitarte mientras estás hablando. Si no, no seas tímido. Pregúntale si puedes unirte a la diversión.

Tenga en cuenta que… esto solo funcionará si conoces al anfitrión de la fiesta.

¡Ahí lo tienes! Estos son solo algunos de los métodos que puedes utilizar para ser invitado a una fiesta. Si piensas que te funcionarán, puedes adaptarlos a tu personalidad o utilizarlos como son.

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Dressed in stupid costumes we had to make silly movements, i.e. “dance”. Moreover, you had to dance with a partner – usually a girl you didn’t like at all.

So after that childhood experience no wonder my immune system would detect anything related to dancing as the danger alert of the highest priority.

For a long time I studiously avoided any social event where dancing could be involved in one way or another. I was putting the most diligence in avoiding clubs – the places, in which the dance floor is considered to be the central element of the fun.

When I first ended up in a club, to my amusement I made an important conclusion: I had way too many false beliefs about the nightclubs. These places are not as dangerous as the socially awkward part of me preferred to think.

How to dance at a club

Dancing in a club has nothing to do with a stage dance which you could be involved in at school long ago.

You are free to choose your own style of dancing: move as you like in a pace which is comfortable to you.

You do not need to know the specifics of any particular style. You just combine what you saw in Youtube videos, or merely move your body in a way that feels natural to you.

If you do not have any dance school background, there’s nothing wrong. You can enjoy your time on the dance floor of a club without any bit of embarrassment.

Most of the guys have only one movement in their dance arsenal. In fact, if you’re a guy, it doesn’t matter how you dance. It only matters if you dance or not.

If you’re a guy, technically the social act of dancing is very simple to you. All you need to do is literally stand at one place, step left, then step right, then step left again, adding some light natural movements of your hands. That’s all.

Sometimes it seems that guys on the dance floor are just extras. “Who are the stars?” – you may ask then. Girls, of course! If you take a look at the regular dance floor you will probably notice that there are lots of girls there.

Also, quite often one girl is surrounded by 2+ guys while dancing.

Every girl on the dance floor wants to be the dancing queen of the night. Some shy guys may feel insecure about dancing particularly because of a potentially negative judgment from girls. However, girls are also more focused on their image on the dance floor, than yours, to be honest.

If you find enough courage to go out on the dance floor and start dancing, you won’t be labeled as a horrible dancer. You will rather come across as an outgoing person who loves, wants and can have fun. This is what you want, isn’t it?

Dancing will add more points to your social personality.

When I occasionally end up in a club, I may hesitate going dancing. But when I step out on the dance floor, I’m glad I’ve overcome the initial doubts and really enjoy the night.

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