Tag Archives: self-esteem

COMING OUT as… an Introvert

What does “come out” mean? If you’ve never met this definition before, shortly, it’s an act of revealing someone’s sexual identity publicly.

You probably know cases when some celebrity or famous youtuber admitted publicly, that s/he is gay. That is it. Also, it may be less noticeable, when a member tells to the rest of her/his family about sexual orientation.

Although, I’m a person of traditional sexual tastes, I imagine how difficult (and sometimes, dangerous) coming out may be, and how much courage it takes.

Extrapolating this particular kind of “come out” to a wider specter, obviously, it is never easy to say anything out loud, when that what you’re talking about confronts with conservative views and beliefs.

How is it all connected to introversion? Continue reading COMING OUT as… an Introvert

Why It Is Important To Stop Pleasing Each and Everyone Around You

The idea of pleasing everyone around you may look quite appealing. Here’s the logic: the more people you please, the more they like you, the more secure you feel yourself in the end.

People’s loyalty serves you as a safety net in the human society. If you experience a setback in your life one day, you may count on some help from those, whose demands you satisfied back in a day.

Let’s use the business analogy: the more customers’ demands your company satisfies, the more money it makes, right? Then why it is wrong to try to please each and everyone around you? There’s one thing we forgot to take into consideration. Continue reading Why It Is Important To Stop Pleasing Each and Everyone Around You

I’m not good enough

Morpheus: What If I Told You You Are Good Enough.

I am not good enough – a common excuse for inaction, isn’t it? It doesn’t matter what area of life we’re talking about. This excuse is universal.

It may take different shapes like “I’m not ready” or “I am not prepared”, but it’s still the same.

I am not good enough to start a business. I am not good enough to apply for that job. I am not good enough to make friends with that cool person. I am not good enough to ask that girl out. Continue reading I’m not good enough

Social Conflict: How to Be More Assertive Example – Asking for a Refund

In the previous newsletter I promised my subscribers to share details of a social conflict I got involved in recently.

It’s a regular type of conflict you may easily encounter in your everyday life: requesting a commercial structure to make a refund.

While this type of social conflict is quite common in our world, few people bother asking for a repayment if they are not satisfied with goods or services they bought.

However, asking for a refund is a “golden”, easy-accessible opportunity to improve your social skills many of us miss out. Continue reading Social Conflict: How to Be More Assertive Example – Asking for a Refund

Do You Communicate Clearly and Assertively?

Have you ever noticed how open and straightforward confident people are? They rarely resort to any subtle implications when trying to convey their thoughts and viewpoint to other people.

On the other hand, socially reserved person would be beating about the bush, sometimes infinitely, with no result.

There are cases when gentle approach and manipulative speech constructions may be quite useful. But is it really that effective?

Manuel J. Smith, in his book “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty”, insists that the more assertive you are, the easier it becomes for you to resolve social conflicts and attain what you actually desire.

However, this article does not describe any of techniques from that book (I’m only halfway through it, so I’ll review it later – when I’m done reading it. However, even by now it’s a safe bet to say that this book is the most helpful and insightful book I’ve read in the last couple years so far.)

The tips I want to share with you in this article are based on the points I’ve grasped from the book “Outliers” (please, check my book review here).

Mitigated speech

Linguists use a special term to describe such a soft way of communication – “mitigated speech”.

We use mitigated speech when we want to be polite, less assertive, gentle to other people.

For example, when you’re talking to a teacher, you are likely to use mitigated speech in order to be respectful to his/her authority and experience. You don’t say: “I want you to check my homework right now!” It’s impolite, irreverent and even unacceptable for some cultures. Instead, you go with something like: “I’m sorry for disturbing you, but I would like to ask you to check my homework as soon as you have some free time”.

When we want to avoid any sharp edges in a conversation, express our complaisance toward an interlocutor we use mitigated speech to, quoting the book, “downplay or sugarcoat the meaning of what is being said”.

Of course, there are situations when the mitigated speech is very effective and even a necessary condition to get what you want, but I think you agree, that socially insecure people use it way too often. In many life situations it is not only of no help, but makes you lose actually.

The linguists Ute Fischer and Judith Orasanu offer at least 6 ways to express your thoughts, using different level of mitigation. In the book I reference to, the following mitigated speech gradation is given in application to the safety of air flights, however, we can make good use of it by applying it to social interactions we are involved in on everyday basis.

So here’s an adapted to some social situation version of the mitigation spectrum.

  1. Command: This level is the most straightforward one. You don’t say, you literally give a command to the other person. No mitigation is involved here. Let’s consider an example. You and your friends are deciding which place to visit this evening. Someone asks: “Where do we go tonight?” You want to go to the X bar. The sentence “We go to the X bar.” – is the most direct way to make your intention clear to your friends yet be assertive.
  2. Obligation Statement: “I think we need to go to the X bar.” The use of “I think” and “we need” makes the whole phrase gentler.
  3. Suggestion: “Let’s go to the X bar.” The use of the pronoun “we” is less explicit here.
  4. Query: “Would you like to go to the X bar?” This sentence is more mitigated as you let your friends decide.
  5. Preference: “I think it would be great to go the X bar.” “Would” makes the phrase sound wishy-washy. Your friends may simply (and rightfully) ignore it, as it doesn’t even state any question.
  6. Hint: “The X bar seems to be a good place to visit.” The most mitigated level of expressing what you want.

Do you communicate clearly and assertively, or are you used to express your thoughts, opinions and desires ambiguously instead? Are you being too humble when it’s not necessary and even harms the conversation? Are you easily manipulated into doing something you don’t want to do?

Try to be more direct and assertive when expressing your ideas and intentions. Assertiveness is not aggression. It’s a powerful way to resolve social conflicts and raise your self-esteem with no fighting.

As with every social skill, adopting those pieces of advice may take some time and practice (and courage), but as a result, it will inevitably improve your social life on a bigger scale.