Living with parents is perceived differently around the world. Some cultures consider it as the only way to be. Three (even four) generations living in one house, under one roof, is totally OK. So if you decide to leave the nest, be sure, this society will not approve it.
On the other hand, there are cultures in which a person who continues to live with his/her mom and dad after leaving school is seen as a loser.
Both are somewhat extreme examples. However, for many people it’s easier to divide the world in black and white parts than accept the fact that it consists of shades… shades of grey, fifty shades of grey! OMG, just kidding. All I want to say is that the world is full of colors, and the color you see depends on your viewpoint.
I think an intelligent individual must seek for what is beneficial to him/her in the first place. If it is beneficial for an adult son to live with his parents, – great. If it is beneficial for an adult daughter to leave her parents, – great.
However, I’m also sure that evolution made it clear: it wants all the children to become independent adults in the end. It expects that we are brought up by our parents, but then… It has also provided us with a wide range of instances in the animal world (for those who doubt that this is the right way to go).
If someone finds inexpressible harmony in living with parents AND demonstrates complete autonomy from them at the same time, that is great, isn’t it? Unfortunately, the real life shows us the opposite examples much more often.
This article is for those who sees moving out from parents home as a beneficial decision to him/her.
Leaving the nest is never easy. Yes, it’s easier for some people. However, if you have an inclination to a constant rumination over your decision, and stayed under parent’s protection longer than, perhaps, you should to, you may have quite a bunch of doubts about this life-changing events.
The most ridiculous thing is that a good half of those doubts could be imposed on you by your own parents. As unnaturally as it may sound, but some parents do not want their children to grow up and to become self-supporting adults who build their lives on their own terms. Your parents may tell themselves that they want you to separate some day and become a successful autonomous human being (because this thought keeps them safe from admitting they are doing something wrong), but, in their minds, the separation is always happening in the future, some distant future, some really distant-distant future. In other words – never.
Feeling and seeing your indecision to leave them, your parents may begin to support you in your doubts and discourage you to leave them.
If you are concerned about your finances, they may encourage you to stay at home “a little bit longer”, until you find really secure, stable, well-paid job. “Why waste money?” They may even give you the money, and pay for your night outs and dates.
If you worry about conveniences at your new place, they may tell you that it is better at home. You have all the comfort you need: washing machine, bathroom, etc.
If you an introverted person, who doesn’t go out a lot, and has a limited circle of communication, parents may use this against you as well. They may discourage you to leave, because you’ll be feeling lonely at your new place. “At least you may always talk to us here,” – they’re reasoning.
One of the common manipulation of a parent is that you should not leave the nest, because your parent is old or ill, or both. If you were careless enough to stay at your parent’s house for too long (you’re in your 30s or 40s, or even N-ties), you literally presented your parent with a trump card in the game against you.
At first glance, it’s a stalemate, a deadlock. If you stay, you’re throwing out your life in a trash bin. If you leave your old sick parent who needs care (as s/he states), you will feel guilty for the whole life. So if your guilt is strong enough you will stay. That is what your parent actually hopes to achieve using this guilt-based manipulation.
You may also get into the situation described above if you’re the last child in the family who didn’t create his/her own family.
One of the excuses your parents may tell you in order to keep you home is that you need to meet a love partner first. “Otherwise, what’s the point to move out?” – so they may say to you.
All of these justifications why you shouldn’t move out from parents may also be generously flavored with real world example of the parents’ friends. They may tell you how their colleague’s child (25+ years old) moved out, failed to live on his/her own, and then moved back in, returned to “her/his loving parents who know better what is good for their daughter/son”.
By telling you these stories parents actually send you the following subconscious message: “You may try, but you will fail eventually. You may get a job, find a place to live, move there, pay your bills, – you may have fun. But you will come back to us, because this is nothing more than a child’s play, your whim. In the end of the day, when you are tired, you will come back to us, and we will be right, as we always were. So why try?”
The above cases can be regularly met in a family, which consists of a single mother and her adult son, and, thereby, such behavior forms an unhealthy co-dependency. But let’s talk about it next time.